The Magic Bullet--Sorta

Alright, so now I'm in a real hurry to self-improve and its time to put my money on the impossible dream--a diet pill that works. I've done a little research, but I'm not sure what's the best choice.




Let's take a look at Leptopril and Zantrex:

According to Wikipedia, the Kola Nut is from an Evergreen tree in the rain forests of Africa that contains caffeine and thus can decrease appetite. Side effects: deforestation.

What's Schizonepeta? Its an Asian herb that is used for itching and is also a diaphoretic. Great, so I won't itch but I'll be sweating all the time. That will go real well with the duiretic caffeine (duiretic means I'll be peeing all the time).

Now yerba mate is a South American plant that has stimulant effects, just like the caffeine in the Kola nut and the pure caffeine added.

Now Damiana is something else entirely. Known for its aphrodisiac effects, it grows in southern Texas and Mexico. It is "prescribed" for bed-wetting (thank goodness, since caffeine is going to make me pee all the time) and has been known to dilate blood vessels, and oh wait--lower blood sugar. Does this mean that my metabolism is higher or I'm just going to be more hungry?

Piper Nigum--yeah, that's black pepper. Sneezing is not going to mix well with bladder issues. I'd better double up on the Damiana.

Ginseng. Well, I've heard of that before, but I'm not sure what its about. Wiki tells me that it should decrease my blood sugar, increase my sensitivity to pain and improve circulation.

So with Zantrex or Leptopril, I am not itching, not hungry, I'm not wetting my bed, I am jittery I'm so alert, I'm hypoglycemic and sweaty, I have to pee all of the time and now I'm also horny. Oh, I'm not sure about these two pills...

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For TrimSpa and HydroxyCut, the main ingredient is Chromium. Chromium is a elemental metal that may have affects on sugar metabolism. Some forms of Chromium are cancer causing and some forms are toxic. OK, perhaps I should avoid the cancer causing toxins and stick with herb garden.

Vanadium is also an element that can be toxic but is supposed to affect sugar metabolism like Chromium.

Glucomannan found in TrimSpa is a water soluble polysaccharide from the root of the konjac plant that absorbs water to create a gel like mass that gives a feeling of fullness, at least according to those at Wikipedia. Its also know to reduce cholesterol. You can buy it pure in health food stores for much less.

Green Tea, found in all pills except HydroxyCut, is touted to reduce cardiovascular disease and aid in fat metabolism. Well, at least tea can't be all that bad for you, except its got more caffeine...

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Lastly, a major ingredient in Xenadrine is Salvia sclarea. Well, they call it Norambrolide, the rest of us call it a weed. It has been purported to allievate PMS, flatulence and is apparently a great eye wash. The makers of Xenadrine call it a fat burner. Outside of the diet pill world, I found little mention of this effect, but I was able to determine that it is also a inactive ingredient in cigarrettes.

I guess I'm going to have to do a little more research. None of these really seem like magic; it appears that most of these pills are little more than bits of metal, caffeine, tea and a proprietary mix of what is awfully similar to what one might find in their compost pile.

A Text from the Ex-All the Motivation a Girl Needs

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

--Thomas Edison

Yes, I'm trying to better inspire myself with this whole diet thing; I thought an inspirational quote might help. It didn't.

What did inspire me however, was a text from the ex-boyfriend. Its Wednesday and I get a little text that says "Happy Thanksgiving!" Oh sure, perhaps that sounds innocuous enough to you, but this is from a guy who gave birthday cards three months late because he never "got around" to writing anything in it. What could this mean? Oh gosh, is he coming home to my home town sooner than Christmas?!?! I was planning to go home to see my parents for Thanksgiving but I can't possibly look great in less than 24 hours. I've only been "improving" for 2 and half days! I don't think I can even get a hair appointment before tomorrow.

I've put down the cookie I was about to eat and I'm off to the pharmacy for new make-up, a conditioner that makes all sorts of promises and hopefully, a magic diet pill.

The Road to Hell is Well-Paved in My World

Oh this whole self-improvement quest is not going as well as planned. So far this has been my diet:

Day 1:
· Breakfast—SouthBeach Cinnamon Raisin Meal Replacement Bar (not really enough bar to replace a meal) [Calories: 140; 15g Carb with 7g from sugar and 3g sugar alcohol; 5g Fat]

· Lunch—Kashi Go Lean Crunchy Chocolate Caramel (surprisingly not as close to chewing tree bark as I expected) [Calories: 150; 28g Carb with 14g of that sugar (ut-oh!); 3g of Fat]

· Dinner—Jeez, I’m starving at this point!! Spinach, feta and grilled chicken salad without dressing (I was too weak to lift and pour my 2 gallon jug of vinegar to make any of my own dressing) [From Atkins Carbcounter—Approx Calories: 478, Carbs: 3.5g, Fat: 24.8g]

· Snack—I really want a Pepperidge Farm Caramel Chocolate Chip Cookie, but I’ll suffer with a Dannon Light and Fit (no extra sugar added) peach yogurt [Calories: 60; 11g carbs with 7g from sugar; 0g Fat]

· Work-out—Carry in groceries from wholesale club piecemeal (they don’t have bags)

· Totals:
o Calories: 828
o Carbs: 57.5g / 28g sugar
o Fat: 32.8 g


Day 2:
· Brunch—1 Dannon Light and Fit blueberry yogurt [Calories: 60; 11g carb/7g sugar; 0g Fat] plus 1 Thomas Light Multi-Grain English muffin [Calories: 100, Carbs: 24g/1g sugar, Fat: 1.5g] with Smart Balance faux butter [Calories: 80, Carbs: 0g, Fat: 9g] + Smuckers old fashioned peanut butter [Calories: 210, Carbs: 6g/1g sugar, Fat: 16g]. BTW, old fashioned peanut butter means I have mix the jug o’oil prior to use. I’m not sure anything that has fat separating out at room temperature is a good thing to eat on a diet….

· Snack—Cheddar Cheese and Baked Whole Grain Wheat Crackers (see how I made Triscuts sound healthy?) [Calories: 114 + 240, Carbs: 0.4 + 40g, Fat: 9.4 + 9g]

· Dinner—I waited too long to have dinner and I just couldn’t face a night of dip-less carrot sticks and yucky brown rice with MSG, so I dove into the freezer and pulled out a French bread pizza [Calories: 390; 43g carb/3g sugar; 17g Fat]. That wasn’t enough cheating, so I also had a Pepperidge Farm Cookie and 1 Dark Chocolate/Caramel candy. They were already in the house and like the lambs to Clarice they were screaming my name. [Calories: 140 + 54, Carbs: 21 + 7.3g/13 +5.7 g sugar, Fat: 6 + 3.33g].

· Snack2—Cheddar Cheese and Baked Whole Grain Wheat Crackers (What? I was still hungry) [Calories: 114 + 240, Carbs: 0.4 + 40g, Fat: 9.4 + 9g]

· Work-out: Cleaned bedroom for several hours in anticipation of furniture building guy to arrive and build my desk, partially cleaned living room from all of the stuff I just shoved there from my bedroom, vacuumed before the furniture guy and then after.

· Totals:
o Calories: 1742
o Carbs: 193.1g / 30.7g sugar
o Fat: 89.63 g

Ugh. Not very good on Day 2. I think I was too hungry from Day 1. I will have to purchase some reading material on low carb diets. Garbage! I already don’t like dieting. Let’s see what I’m supposed to intake according to the government:

Recommended Daily Allowance:
o Calories: 2000
o Carbs: 300 g
o Fat: 65 g

Well, I did well on the calories, and even the carbs, but the fat intake would only be acceptable to Dr. Atkins and he’s turning over in his grave on the carb levels. Drat! And I’m still hungry….

Atkins, SouthBeach or What?

Already on my way to the local wholesale club, I've got little time to research my diet plan. I've tried Atkins before and I was marginally successful, but I haven't been able to eat bacon and eggs since. I'm pretty sure SouthBeach is an Atkin's take-off, but I'm not sure. En route, I call a few friends that have tried SouthBeach. They say it is a little more sensible than the steak and lard kabobs promoted by Atkins. By the time I reach the BJ's Wholesale parking lot, I've decided that a low-carb, high protein, complex carbohydrate diet is the way to go. Now I just need to figure out what a complex carbohydrate looks like...

Upon entering the store, I can see this is definitely a bad season for diets. I'm greeted with display after display of holiday gift baskets of Godiva, Ghiradeli and Hersey's. I'll just check out a few for gifts... As I drool over the Godiva baskets, in the shiny wrapping of truffles, I swear I see my ex-boyfriend's face--laughing. I immediately move from the isle. Regaining my strength in the condiments isle, I figure I should look for a few good spices. After all, I'll be "enjoying" a lot of salad and vegetables and these are things that I usually just use to decorate the plate around my burger. Still not sure what a complex carbohydrate is, I see a few spices that might help; one even purports to enhance the flavor of anything that I add it to. Armed with 32 ounces of MSG, I travel onward.

I divert my eyes from the chips isle, only to catch a glimpse of the candy isle. I dash ahead just to find myself in the bakery. Evil store! Finally, once away from the Carb-o-Freak sections, I find a few more items:

• Pre-cooked unrefrigerated bacon (well, at least the house won't stink every morning this way and its got a shelf life of 8 months)
• Barilla Pasta Plus, (I think this is kinda sorta a complex carb, I mean, its yucky yellow brown and has protein added)
• whole wheat light english muffins (they look similar to my doggie's treats...)
• baby carrots (but what will I dip these into????)
• steak
• chicken
• Smart Balance Butter-like spread (actually very good and zero carbs)
• Smuckers Old fashioned peanut butter (this one had the fewest "sugar carbs")
• Salad dressing (this was hard, low-carb is out. I had to buy 2 gallons of vinegar, 1 liter of olive oil and two dozen packets of italian seasoning. Remember, this is a WHOLESALE club. I sure hope I like it....)
• Kashi optimized "glycemic index" health bars (they didn't have the SouthBeach Cinnamon Raison bars recommended, and SouthBeach was $108 per 100 count and Kashi only $83)
• 6 lbs of broccoli (I have a big freezer, thankfully)

Ok, now for my first work-out. Carrying all these items from my car and putting it all away. Whew, now I'm too tired to cook. I call for take-out. Don't worry! I ordered a spinach salad with feta, carmelized onions and grilled chicken. They did resolve that spinach E.coli thing right?

Living Well is the Best Revenge

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. No pity party, here, though, it was for the best. However, Christmas is coming up and he and I will both be heading home to visit family; our parents practically live on the same street. I don't know anyone who enjoys the post-break-up run-in with the ex when you don't look your best--or worse--they look better now than they did when they were with you. To avoid that self-conscious "of course only when I'm wearing this and forgot to brush my hair do I run into him...has he been working out more?..." moment, and well, to concentrate on me for a while, I've decided to embark on a little self-improvement.

A week prior to Thanksgiving is absolutely the WORST time to start a diet, but if I can overcome a legitimate excuse like Thanksgiving and persevere, I should be able to combat the usual excuses I make, like "Its been too bad of day to worry about my diet now (I say as my alarm clock goes off)" and "I think it might rain (tomorrow) so I should just skip that walk to be safe." So, OK, I'll start now, but where do I start? Which diet should I choose? I don't even belong to a gym! I guess I'll need to do a little research.